Work. Eat. Sleep. Repeat. 

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Sometimes I feel like I’m doing nothing in my life. Sure, my new job makes me feel great… but at the same time I get bored of this cycle. I hate the feeling like I wake up everyday to work. I wish I could be out exploring the world, learning new things. Alas, I have to make money.

Being fairly young it’s daunting to think that in 10 years I’ll be in the same cycle, maybe add a husband and kids. As a child I thought adulthood meant doing whatever you wanted: staying up late, hanging out with friends, watching movies, and going shopping. I knew work existed, but I hadn’t quite grasped the idea that you work everyday!

It would be great if didn’t have to work so much and instead could spend time doing things we enjoyed. I know realistically speaking that it wouldn’t be possible because nothing would happen. We would have no doctors, teachers, and cashiers. Everyone would be out indulging in their hobbies.

I’m not saying I never want to work, I just wish there was more of a balance.

Does anyone else feel like they want to escape this endless cycle?

 

200 Followers!!

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Yay! I’ve reached 200 followers and I’m so thankful for everyone that reads what I post! I didn’t think my blogging would turn into anything, I was nervous to even begin. Now I can tell you, it’s a great feeling to be “heard”.

I’ve interacted with so many great people through WordPress. It’s such a joy for me to follow and read other blogs.

This is a short post but I wanted to say thank you to everyone who reads, comments, likes, and follows my posts! So, with that I say thank you (again) for all your support 🙂

 

It’s Hard to See Light When You’re Surrounded by Darkness 

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I  don’t usually post this type of thing but I feel like this might be cathartic. The last several days have felt long, tiring, and painful. I would wake up and count down the hours till I could get back to bed. The anxiety and sadness comes in waves, sometimes I’m alright and other times it feels like I’m drowning. I’m just trying to keep my head above the water.

I get tired of hearing people say to work on strategies to overcome these feelings. Of course I should be doing that, but I’m too freaking exhausted. It just feels like there’s a weight lying on my chest. Weights on my shoulders that sink me down into the ground.

I know there’s light at the end of this tunnel I am in. It’s just pushing myself to get to the that light, that isn’t easy. I want to see all the positives in my life but it feels like I have this gloomy shadow following me around.

Hopefully I get out of this funk and if any of my readers are in this too, I hope you feel better!

“You Would Look So Much Better If You Worked Out”

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I have been told this a few times by people. I’m not an idiot, I know I would look much better if I worked out. I would no longer have a pudgy stomach or scrawny chicken legs. I would probably actually be able to walk up a flight of stairs without needing to catch my breath. But why do you need to tell me this? In fact, you should be telling me that I should work out to be healthier, not to look better! Way to totally kill my self esteem, thanks!

I absolutely hate exercising. I would much rather sit on the couch and read a book. The thought of going to a gym crowded with people who are full of motivation just isn’t appealing to me. Now, I’m lucky that I’m naturally good at sports. I used to love playing soccer and honestly I was pretty good at it. The thing is, I’m just plain lazy. I don’t even think I’ve ever met someone as lazy as I am.

So as I’m being told to work out (so I can improve my looks), I just want to explode. There’s a million and one things I could do to improve my looks. Don’t assume that working out has never crossed my mind. Sure, it would be great to have the body of the girls on Sports Illustrated’s covers! That being said, I don’t want my main goal to be focused around looking pretty. I will work out when I want to work out, I don’t need someone telling me!

 

I Need To Attend An Adult 101 Class

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This is a class I’d be happy to attend. As I’m sitting here trying to figure out what the heck is a credit score, I can’t help but feel like a hopeless adult. I was not prepared for the transition from college to the adult world. I mean, of course I know the basics. I know how to cook, clean, drive, and look competent. That being said, I am still constantly texting and calling my mom for help. I’m convinced she knows the solution to everything.

To be perfectly honest I still feel so young. In my head I kind of thought that once I graduated college I’d suddenly be all independent and responsible with my full time job and own house. Yeah… it doesn’t quite work like that. Sure, it’s probably easier for some people to be an adult. I’ve got Facebook friends getting engaged and married while I’m here still feeling like a kid.

This whole thing was triggered by doing my taxes. It wasn’t the first time I’ve done them but it always leaves me feeling drained and confused. I just wish that there was a judgement free class that could answer my questions about life. I’m tired of seeing everyone around me look so put together.

Do I Really Have A Soul Mate?

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Not everyone believes in soul mates, and I’m on the fence myself. Is there really only ONE person in this entire world that is perfect for me? I find it hard to believe that, considering the sheer population of this planet. And what if my soul mate is living in Spain? What if my soul mate has already gotten married? What if my soul mate died last week? Am I doomed for the rest of my love life? I really hope not.

I would love to have that fairy tale ending where I have my own Prince Charming. Of course, I can’t wait around for that. I don’t want to be sitting on my bed wishing every day for the next twenty years that he will come walking through my door. I promise you, I’m not here to totally bash the theory of soul mates. I’ve definitely met couples who seem great together. I’m sure in their minds they have found their soul mates, and I am truly happy for them. However, I believe the majority of relationships have their ups and downs, twists and turns. So I’d be worried if a relationship was all glitters and rainbows. I’m curious as to how many people believe they have married their soul mate?

So yes, maybe there are soul mates, but I think that word should be plural. There’s multiple people in this world that I would be “perfect” with. Instead of 1 in 7 billion how about 25 in 7 billion? Chances are I wont meet more than one or two of them in my life, but as long as I feel like I’m with someone who strengthens me then I’ll be happy.

But I’m just a young naive girl, what do I know about marriage? 🙂

 

How To Deal With Anxiety?

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How do others deal with anxiety? Anxiety seems to consume my every thought and action. The idea of coping with it seems almost impossible when I feel anxiety attacks coming on to me. The mix of the physical symptoms (shaking, sweating, heart racing) and thoughts (you are going to fail etc.) make it difficult for me to think rationally.

So how do I deal with it? I try many different things, and get some success. The biggest thing that helps for me is making sure I don’t think negatively. If I see myself going in a cycle of negative thoughts I’ll try to counteract it or distract myself. It’s not easy at all.

Another thing that helps me cope is making sure I eat enough. When I’m anxious I can’t stomach any food, it makes me feel too sick. Of course this is probably one reason I am so tiny. Not enough food means lack of energy, and that usually means I’ll be more anxious. I make sure to carry around a water bottle and granola bar in my bag.

Mediation and breathing techniques help wonders. I feel silly doing breathing techniques in public but they certainly make a difference. Mediation is great especially when I just wake up. I’ll be honest, meditation isn’t easy to get a hang of. I still struggle with trying to stop my racing thoughts.

Lastly, blogging helps! Just getting my thoughts out and connecting with others is a great way to lessen my anxiety. It helps knowing that I’m not alone in this battle with my anxiety. It’s really not easy to find coping methods.

Having An Unaffectionate Parent Is Hard

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My mom is very outgoing, happy, and affectionate. My dad on the other hand is very straight to the point, not very affectionate, and speaks his mind. Both my parents have great qualities to them and have helped me so much in life. It just has been hard growing up with a parent that wasn’t affectionate.

I wouldn’t describe him as “fatherly”. It annoyed me watching movies and seeing the dads in them because they were nothing like mine. I used to compare my dad to my friend’s dads. Once my dad even got me to compare my friends dad’s to him, asking me who was nicer. I know my dad cares for me and wanted me to succeed but he doesn’t do a great job at showing it. I don’t fully blame him, he grew up in a very “broken” household. He is far better than his own father, which I give him a lot of credit for.

I always wanted a dad that was laid back and approachable. My dad is the complete opposite of laid back. Being around him is like walking on eggshells to make sure that nothing is said or done to annoy him. There are times, though, that his “fatherly” side will shine through the rest of his personality. If anyone is sick in my family he becomes extremely concerned and caring. That gives me some sense of relief to know that he has a soft spot.

Sometimes I look back on my childhood and teen years and wonder what it would have been like to have a father more like my mother. Would my life be better? Would my anxiety be less? I can ask myself these questions over and over again, but what is the point? You can’t change someone, especially not your own parent. Plus, I should just be grateful that I have a father in my life.

“No offense, but you look like a girl who watches The Bachelor”

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So… I was talking to some guy in a class just a few weeks ago. We were acquaintances and had met earlier in the week. I had just gotten done telling him my “secret” passion, I absolutely love playing video games. This isn’t something I tell others about because honestly, I am afraid of being judged as geeky or lame. Anyway, this was his response after I spilled my guts about love for games… “No offense, but you look like a girl who watches The Bachelor.”

I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t even know what that means. How do you look like someone who watches The Bachelor…? I haven’t seen a single episode of The Bachelor in my life so I was pretty confused. Also why should I be offended for watching The Bachelor? Do only certain types of girls watch The Bachelor? These are all things I wanted to ask him but I was too caught up in my head trying to decipher the last sentence.

He then when on to say things along the lines of, “Oh it’s cool you play video games, because you also take time to dress really nice!”. At this point I figured he had an awful stereotype of “girly girls” and “tomboys”. I don’t feel like I fit in either category, and why does it even matter which one I am?

I have no problem playing a video game while reality TV is playing in the background!