Today, I Turn 23. I Have Nothing In My Life Figured Out. 

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Today, I turn 23! This would be great except I feel ancient. Okay, I know 23 isn’t really ancient but it also means I can’t get away with being immature. If that makes sense? 23 feels like I’m too far into adulthood to blame things on my teenage ways.

So, 10 years ago I would probably have told you I would have my dream job by now, a huge house, dogs, and a husband. All I can say is that I am no where close to that! I did buy a new car this week, so I am getting somewhere….

It just seems like all the other 23 year old’s out there know what they are doing with their life. I am still sitting here feeling like a kid. Why is time going by so fast?

I wish I could freeze time. I hate getting older. I want to stay 22! Growing up isn’t all that great!

I Love My Job… Is That Possible?

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I’m a bit of a pessimist. I 100% believed I would never any job I’ll ever have in my life. I mean who wants to get up and do the same routine everyday? Surely not me! I’ve had several jobs and I vehemently hated them all. In fact, there were times I would literally be brought to tears when I realized I had to show up to work that day. Fast forward eight months and now, I am eager to get to my job. I even spend some of my free time looking at ways to improve my work.

I’ve heard others say they have loved their jobs. But, I have heard more people talk about how they hate it and are stuck in this horrible cycle. Finding a job isn’t easy, having a good boss is no guarantee, and coworkers can be a handful. I almost wanted to just continue onto graduate school so I could put off getting my first “real” job. Of course, things don’t always happen as planned. I knew I needed legitimate job experience before launching into graduate school.

So here I am, in total awe that I enjoy work. I am not somebody who generally “likes” things. I enjoy complaining and I have no problem dramatizing things in my life.

I’m hoping this post hasn’t totally jinxed my job now!

I’ll Flourish With Or Without Your Help!

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I depend way too much on others for my happiness and success. Hearing the sentence, “Good luck surviving without me!” during a break up is like a punch to the gut. I feel like if I was left on my own I would just crumble because I need the support from others. I like to think of myself as independent; when it comes down to it I lean others. This is partially from my anxiety, it gets exhausting dealing with it on my own.

So, what happens when these people leave my life? What if we get into a terrible fight and they walk out on me? I want to be positive that I will be able to get through it. I want to know that I can be successful and strong without the help of others. I can’t depend on others for my happiness, motivation, and security. Because let’s face it… people aren’t going to be there for you 24/7.

I don’t know if others feel this way. I’ve never heard any of my friends talk about this. Would you have trouble flourishing in life if your friend/significant other/family member disappeared from your life?

I Have All These Ideas But No Motivation

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Story of my life. I have all these great ideas in my head. Why don’t I reorganize my bedroom? Learn a new skill?  Make plans to travel to New Zealand? Or apply to graduate school? 

Unfortunately, the step from thinking of an idea to actually taking action is just too big for me. I am inherently lazy, and this may be the reason why I like daydreaming of such plans but rather not get off my butt. I may be more inclined to get moving if I see that there’s a “reward” in sight. Today, I rewarded myself with a mini tiramisu simply because I started looking into graduate schools. I made essentially no progress but I very much deserved the cake! Basically I’m like a dog… doing tricks just for the treats.

I’m lucky that I can get by like this now. I don’t have others depending on me. Like, what will happen when I get married and have kids? I can’t imagine being an unmotivated parent. My own parents are extremely motivated and don’t let things get in their way. I, on the other hand, just can’t see me forming into that type of person. I thought adulthood would change me but that isn’t the case. Maybe parenthood will be thing that will catalyze change!

If only it was as easy to do things as it is to think things.

Anxiety is Exhausting

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I am exhausted. Not because I fill up my days with errands and work, but because I spend so much of my energy being anxious. This partly describes my lack of (good) blog posts. I just want to go home and curl up on the couch with a book.

There’s so many times I want to shut my brain off. Just a good 20 minutes of silence would be wonderful. I have thoughts constantly racing through my brain, even when I’m asleep. Of course this leaves me totally exhausted, even though I’ve been lying in bed for the last 8 hours. I often say to my self that it leaves my brain feeling “mushy”.

It’s not always this bad. It comes in waves, sometimes I’m doing well. Other times my mind feels like it’s being overloaded. I over analyze every situation, think irrationally, and fear places.  So, instead of thinking I’m lazy when all I want to do is stay at home, just know that I really do want to go outside but the sheer amount of effort it takes to everyday tasks is debilitating. It’s so much easier to skip going to the grocery store then have to deal with being anxious and on edge the entire time.

All I can say is… I can’t wait till I have my energy back!

Everything Happens For A Reason…?

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This is always something I’ve been on the fence about. Does everything really happen for a reason? I would like to think this statement is true, but then I look back on my life and just don’t believe it. Like, what was the reason for having my computer die on me? Or failing yet another math test? I mean, maybe these are all pieces to a puzzle.

I’m not just talking about myself either. There’s so many people in the world with much harder lives than me. I can’t imagine why they have to go through these things. For example… abuse, death, addiction, poverty, etc. What would the reason for these to exist? To learn a lesson? It’s just so hard for me to come to terms with saying that a person is abused for a reason. What could that reason possibly be?

I wonder if following this sentiment is even beneficial. If I screw up in any way I’ll just think, welp that’s just how it was meant to be! I would constantly find excuses for my wrongdoings or failures.

Perhaps I’m not understanding this statement properly. I believe it means that everything in my life is already planned out and I’m just filling in the blanks everyday. But… that doesn’t sound like any fun, does it? Shouldn’t life be more like those choose your own path novels. Where every decision I make slightly alters my life.

Excuse me if I’m not making any sense. I’m sick and instead of sleeping it off I’m sitting here pondering about the meaning of life!

Everyone Is Beautiful In Their Own Way… Except Me

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I have this theory that everyone is beautiful in their own way. It’s not an uncommon theory, I hear people say it all the time. To me it means some people are physically beautiful, while others may have a beautiful soul or personality. Sounds cheesy, I know.

Unfortunately, I have this theory for everyone but myself. I just can’t see the beauty that I hold. Sure, I could ask my parents and friends and they would say, “model” or “gorgeous”. But they have to say those things, right? Like, I’m not going to tell my friend they are ugly. That’s just mean. And don’t parents always think their children are the most beautiful things on the planet?

I know I lack self confidence and I’ve always been like that. Thanks, anxiety. I have a habit of comparing myself to models, celebrities, and peers. It’s not easy going through life trying to make sure you are as good as others. I can’t even grasp how people have hundreds of selfie and body shots on Instagram. I have to take about 35 pictures of myself before I find one that is considered ‘OK’. Forget about finding 100!

I hate saying it but, I care what people think of me. I shouldn’t… but I haven’t gotten to the point yet where I am comfortable in my own skin.

How Do Adults Even Make Friends?!

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Making friends seems harder the older I get. I had a good group of friends in elementary and middle school. As I moved onto high school it was a little harder because I moved around quite a bit. During college it wasn’t too hard to make friends, especially during the years I lived on campus. Now that I’m out of college I find making friends so difficult.

I have job, but it’s a therapist position so I don’t have coworkers I interact with; the majority of my work is done with my clients and supervisor. This has left me feeling totally at loss when it comes to making friends. Where am I even going to meet people?

I think about volunteering and joining groups but since I’m such an introvert I would much rather chill at home. I know this doesn’t help when it comes to making friends. That being said, it would be nice to have people to go out with since most of the people I am friends with no longer live in my area. I’m just tired of doing things alone and honestly it would be great to have more people to talk to.

I mean it must be possible because everyone I know has a group of friends. I just can’t help but wonder if there’s something wrong with me.

Why can’t it be as easy as middle school?