Everyone is getting engaged…

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Scrolling through my Facebook today I realized that holy crap tons of people I know are getting engaged. Now don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them. I think it’s great they have found someone they want to spend the rest of their life with. But then I think about myself. I have a job, I’ve applied to graduate school, there’s a guy in my life. I just can’t imagine myself being engaged. I still feel like a kid most of the time. It also doesn’t help that I’m very petite, I basically look like a freshman in high school. If my guy was to ask me to get engaged right now I would probably laugh. I just don’t feel adult enough yet.

Of course I worry that I’ll get engaged when I’m too old (is it possible to be too old?). I guess it’s mostly due to societal pressure. Once I start creeping into my late twenties I will probably start getting antsy. Right now I’m 24 and I’d much rather focus on myself because quite honestly, I don’t have the qualities to be a wife just yet.  It’s funny to think that my peers are off getting married and purchasing houses while I am literally sitting on the couch writing a blog while eating ramen.

Don’t even get me started on my friends that already have a family….

Thanks Anxiety Disorder For Making Me Look And Sound Like An Idiot All The Time!

I’ve had an anxiety disorder since the age of 12. It was easier to hide the disorder from my peers back then. I could still act awkward and shy, people would think it was cute. Of course everyone would tell me that I just had to break out of my shell. That never happened. 

Now that I’m close to 24 years I just cringe at the things I say and do. I’m not totally socially inept but I do make a fool of myself a lot. When someone asks me a question I take a couple extra seconds to answer because I have a hard time coming up with a response. If I respond too quickly I tend to jumble up my words. 

It doesn’t only happen when it comes to speaking. A lot of my actions are dictated by my anxiety. I try to avoid having lots of attention on me. Sometimes I’ll avoid asking a store employee for help. Sometimes I avoid crossing very busy streets because I don’t want eyes on me. It sounds ridiculous, I’m sure. 

I always wonder if people notice. I’m sure my family does to some extent. My friends may not have a clue. Maybe I’m just overthinking everything? Yet another symptom of my anxiety disorder!

Still wondering how do adults even make friends?

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I seriously don’t know how to make friend. I mean, I did have friends in school. Sure, I wasn’t the most popular person but I definitely had someone to eat lunch with. My current job has me working alone most of the time so I don’t see my coworkers much. When I do see them I don’t know how to ask if they want to hang out after work. They all seem to have their own separate exciting lives.

All of this was prompted by my dad coming up to me this evening and asking, “So what do you do on the computer? All you do is work and then go on the computer.” He has somewhat of a point. I just don’t know how to make friends anymore. It doesn’t help that I’m shy.

What makes it even worse is looking at my Facebook or Snapchat and seeing everyone’s exciting daily adventures. I’m pretty sure the most excitement I’ve had all week is buying a new pair of jeans. You would think that at almost 24 years old I would have figured this stuff out by now. Nope.

Thanks dad for reminding me that I’m basically friendless.