Everyone is getting engaged…

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Scrolling through my Facebook today I realized that holy crap tons of people I know are getting engaged. Now don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them. I think it’s great they have found someone they want to spend the rest of their life with. But then I think about myself. I have a job, I’ve applied to graduate school, there’s a guy in my life. I just can’t imagine myself being engaged. I still feel like a kid most of the time. It also doesn’t help that I’m very petite, I basically look like a freshman in high school. If my guy was to ask me to get engaged right now I would probably laugh. I just don’t feel adult enough yet.

Of course I worry that I’ll get engaged when I’m too old (is it possible to be too old?). I guess it’s mostly due to societal pressure. Once I start creeping into my late twenties I will probably start getting antsy. Right now I’m 24 and I’d much rather focus on myself because quite honestly, I don’t have the qualities to be a wife just yet.  It’s funny to think that my peers are off getting married and purchasing houses while I am literally sitting on the couch writing a blog while eating ramen.

Don’t even get me started on my friends that already have a family….

Thanks Anxiety Disorder For Making Me Look And Sound Like An Idiot All The Time!

I’ve had an anxiety disorder since the age of 12. It was easier to hide the disorder from my peers back then. I could still act awkward and shy, people would think it was cute. Of course everyone would tell me that I just had to break out of my shell. That never happened. 

Now that I’m close to 24 years I just cringe at the things I say and do. I’m not totally socially inept but I do make a fool of myself a lot. When someone asks me a question I take a couple extra seconds to answer because I have a hard time coming up with a response. If I respond too quickly I tend to jumble up my words. 

It doesn’t only happen when it comes to speaking. A lot of my actions are dictated by my anxiety. I try to avoid having lots of attention on me. Sometimes I’ll avoid asking a store employee for help. Sometimes I avoid crossing very busy streets because I don’t want eyes on me. It sounds ridiculous, I’m sure. 

I always wonder if people notice. I’m sure my family does to some extent. My friends may not have a clue. Maybe I’m just overthinking everything? Yet another symptom of my anxiety disorder!

Apparently Adulthood Means No Real Summer Vacation!

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I loved summer, and still do. I love when it finally starts to warm up and I can sit out on the deck reading a book while sipping iced tea. I love not having to wear 3 layers of clothing just so I don’t freeze to death outside. I used to spend my summers traveling around with my family.

Now, adulthood has officially come. This is my first true summer since graduating. Last summer I spent my time traveling around by myself exploring new places. This summer I’ll be working  to make sure I have enough money to pay for my car insurance etc. Don’t get me wrong – I love my job! But I can’t help but look out the window and think to myself of all the things I could be doing. Which in reality I probably wouldn’t do anyway, but it’s nice to imagine!

So I guess summer is no longer going to be that fun, hang out all day type of thing anymore. I didn’t even realize it up until now that adults don’t really have much of a summer. I mean sure they may have a week or two off but it’s just not the same.

Sigh. I already wish I was a kid again!

Today, I Turn 23. I Have Nothing In My Life Figured Out. 

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Today, I turn 23! This would be great except I feel ancient. Okay, I know 23 isn’t really ancient but it also means I can’t get away with being immature. If that makes sense? 23 feels like I’m too far into adulthood to blame things on my teenage ways.

So, 10 years ago I would probably have told you I would have my dream job by now, a huge house, dogs, and a husband. All I can say is that I am no where close to that! I did buy a new car this week, so I am getting somewhere….

It just seems like all the other 23 year old’s out there know what they are doing with their life. I am still sitting here feeling like a kid. Why is time going by so fast?

I wish I could freeze time. I hate getting older. I want to stay 22! Growing up isn’t all that great!

I Have All These Ideas But No Motivation

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Story of my life. I have all these great ideas in my head. Why don’t I reorganize my bedroom? Learn a new skill?  Make plans to travel to New Zealand? Or apply to graduate school? 

Unfortunately, the step from thinking of an idea to actually taking action is just too big for me. I am inherently lazy, and this may be the reason why I like daydreaming of such plans but rather not get off my butt. I may be more inclined to get moving if I see that there’s a “reward” in sight. Today, I rewarded myself with a mini tiramisu simply because I started looking into graduate schools. I made essentially no progress but I very much deserved the cake! Basically I’m like a dog… doing tricks just for the treats.

I’m lucky that I can get by like this now. I don’t have others depending on me. Like, what will happen when I get married and have kids? I can’t imagine being an unmotivated parent. My own parents are extremely motivated and don’t let things get in their way. I, on the other hand, just can’t see me forming into that type of person. I thought adulthood would change me but that isn’t the case. Maybe parenthood will be thing that will catalyze change!

If only it was as easy to do things as it is to think things.

“You Would Look So Much Better If You Worked Out”

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I have been told this a few times by people. I’m not an idiot, I know I would look much better if I worked out. I would no longer have a pudgy stomach or scrawny chicken legs. I would probably actually be able to walk up a flight of stairs without needing to catch my breath. But why do you need to tell me this? In fact, you should be telling me that I should work out to be healthier, not to look better! Way to totally kill my self esteem, thanks!

I absolutely hate exercising. I would much rather sit on the couch and read a book. The thought of going to a gym crowded with people who are full of motivation just isn’t appealing to me. Now, I’m lucky that I’m naturally good at sports. I used to love playing soccer and honestly I was pretty good at it. The thing is, I’m just plain lazy. I don’t even think I’ve ever met someone as lazy as I am.

So as I’m being told to work out (so I can improve my looks), I just want to explode. There’s a million and one things I could do to improve my looks. Don’t assume that working out has never crossed my mind. Sure, it would be great to have the body of the girls on Sports Illustrated’s covers! That being said, I don’t want my main goal to be focused around looking pretty. I will work out when I want to work out, I don’t need someone telling me!

 

“No offense, but you look like a girl who watches The Bachelor”

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So… I was talking to some guy in a class just a few weeks ago. We were acquaintances and had met earlier in the week. I had just gotten done telling him my “secret” passion, I absolutely love playing video games. This isn’t something I tell others about because honestly, I am afraid of being judged as geeky or lame. Anyway, this was his response after I spilled my guts about love for games… “No offense, but you look like a girl who watches The Bachelor.”

I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t even know what that means. How do you look like someone who watches The Bachelor…? I haven’t seen a single episode of The Bachelor in my life so I was pretty confused. Also why should I be offended for watching The Bachelor? Do only certain types of girls watch The Bachelor? These are all things I wanted to ask him but I was too caught up in my head trying to decipher the last sentence.

He then when on to say things along the lines of, “Oh it’s cool you play video games, because you also take time to dress really nice!”. At this point I figured he had an awful stereotype of “girly girls” and “tomboys”. I don’t feel like I fit in either category, and why does it even matter which one I am?

I have no problem playing a video game while reality TV is playing in the background!

7 Things I would change about the way I look…

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I’m not ugly but I’m also not stunningly beautiful either (unless you ask my parents…). I think most people would describe themselves this way. So, I decided to make a short list of things I wish I could change about my looks. Nothing too serious… just thought it would be fun to see what I really thought since I’m always complaining.

  1. My smile is HUGE (see baby pic) I wish it was smaller. I hate that people always comment on my smile!
  2. I wish I was a good 4 inches taller, that’s all I need!
  3. I have the highest cheekbones ever, I swear. I hate them, for some reason I’d prefer a more round face. Instead my face is like a square.
  4. Straight hair! My hair is wavy but not the cute kind of wavy, more like the messy wavy. Plus, straight hair would mean I wouldn’t have to spend ages on my hair to make it look reasonable.
  5. A more toned body. I know I could change this one on my own but I am so lazy. I lack any motivation to exercise.
  6. No pimples! Most have gone away but I always have those few pesky pimples that drive me crazy.
  7. Lastly, I would change my eye color. My eyes are seriously black. I wish I had lighter eyes, even light brown would be nice.

It’s funny to look back at that list and realize how silly they all sound even though I know that everyone has something they would love to change about themselves.

“So… You Still Live With Your Parents?”

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Yes, I live with my parents. I graduated college in December and have been living at my parents house for the past couple of months. I did try to move out by applying to jobs around the country but somehow the jobs that I seemed to get interviews for were all in the city my parents live in. So you are asking, why I don’t move out? Well, the city my parent’s live in is amazing, but unfortunately crazy expensive. I have the choice of moving out and getting apartment or buying a new car. I chose the new car because… well, I honestly get free food and internet at home so it’s not all that bad.

I think there’s a huge stigma for people who live with their parents after college or in their late 20s. I don’t feel terrible living at home but I do wonder if other’s think I have no independence. I have lived on my own before so I am perfectly capable to caring for myself. It’s just funny how something as small as living at your parents house reflects so badly on a person. My parents don’t mind if I live with them for a little while (as long as I help out around the house) so I can save money to get my own place. So why is it anyone’s  problem?

Now, I understand that graduates are expected to live on their own after they graduate and begin their lives independently. I would have loved to do that but other circumstances have gotten in the way. I just don’t think that a recent college graduate should feel pressure to live on their own when they are just stepping foot into the real world.

I want you to know what’s wrong without me having to tell you!

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I know it’s totally unfair for me to feel like this, but I wish people would know what’s wrong with me without having to tell them. Instead of having to tell them that I’m feeling down or irritated I want them to magically know. It’s kind of like how my mom wants me to do the chores without having having to specifically tell me what she wants done.

Does anyone else feel like this? I hate being asked, “Are you okay?” I hate it because I never know how to answer. Do I lie and say the typical “I’m fine, how are you?” or can I pour my heart out and complain about everything in my life.

I’m just ranting about a trivial topic, I know. But it gets frustrating especially since I am someone who likes to keep my emotions private. I don’t like openly telling people how I feel, it makes me vulnerable. I prefer having this wall built around me just so I don’t get hurt.

Maybe I just need to get some mind reading friends… hah.