Anxiety is Exhausting

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I am exhausted. Not because I fill up my days with errands and work, but because I spend so much of my energy being anxious. This partly describes my lack of (good) blog posts. I just want to go home and curl up on the couch with a book.

There’s so many times I want to shut my brain off. Just a good 20 minutes of silence would be wonderful. I have thoughts constantly racing through my brain, even when I’m asleep. Of course this leaves me totally exhausted, even though I’ve been lying in bed for the last 8 hours. I often say to my self that it leaves my brain feeling “mushy”.

It’s not always this bad. It comes in waves, sometimes I’m doing well. Other times my mind feels like it’s being overloaded. I over analyze every situation, think irrationally, and fear places.  So, instead of thinking I’m lazy when all I want to do is stay at home, just know that I really do want to go outside but the sheer amount of effort it takes to everyday tasks is debilitating. It’s so much easier to skip going to the grocery store then have to deal with being anxious and on edge the entire time.

All I can say is… I can’t wait till I have my energy back!

Everything Happens For A Reason…?

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This is always something I’ve been on the fence about. Does everything really happen for a reason? I would like to think this statement is true, but then I look back on my life and just don’t believe it. Like, what was the reason for having my computer die on me? Or failing yet another math test? I mean, maybe these are all pieces to a puzzle.

I’m not just talking about myself either. There’s so many people in the world with much harder lives than me. I can’t imagine why they have to go through these things. For example… abuse, death, addiction, poverty, etc. What would the reason for these to exist? To learn a lesson? It’s just so hard for me to come to terms with saying that a person is abused for a reason. What could that reason possibly be?

I wonder if following this sentiment is even beneficial. If I screw up in any way I’ll just think, welp that’s just how it was meant to be! I would constantly find excuses for my wrongdoings or failures.

Perhaps I’m not understanding this statement properly. I believe it means that everything in my life is already planned out and I’m just filling in the blanks everyday. But… that doesn’t sound like any fun, does it? Shouldn’t life be more like those choose your own path novels. Where every decision I make slightly alters my life.

Excuse me if I’m not making any sense. I’m sick and instead of sleeping it off I’m sitting here pondering about the meaning of life!

Everyone Is Beautiful In Their Own Way… Except Me

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I have this theory that everyone is beautiful in their own way. It’s not an uncommon theory, I hear people say it all the time. To me it means some people are physically beautiful, while others may have a beautiful soul or personality. Sounds cheesy, I know.

Unfortunately, I have this theory for everyone but myself. I just can’t see the beauty that I hold. Sure, I could ask my parents and friends and they would say, “model” or “gorgeous”. But they have to say those things, right? Like, I’m not going to tell my friend they are ugly. That’s just mean. And don’t parents always think their children are the most beautiful things on the planet?

I know I lack self confidence and I’ve always been like that. Thanks, anxiety. I have a habit of comparing myself to models, celebrities, and peers. It’s not easy going through life trying to make sure you are as good as others. I can’t even grasp how people have hundreds of selfie and body shots on Instagram. I have to take about 35 pictures of myself before I find one that is considered ‘OK’. Forget about finding 100!

I hate saying it but, I care what people think of me. I shouldn’t… but I haven’t gotten to the point yet where I am comfortable in my own skin.

How Do Adults Even Make Friends?!

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Making friends seems harder the older I get. I had a good group of friends in elementary and middle school. As I moved onto high school it was a little harder because I moved around quite a bit. During college it wasn’t too hard to make friends, especially during the years I lived on campus. Now that I’m out of college I find making friends so difficult.

I have job, but it’s a therapist position so I don’t have coworkers I interact with; the majority of my work is done with my clients and supervisor. This has left me feeling totally at loss when it comes to making friends. Where am I even going to meet people?

I think about volunteering and joining groups but since I’m such an introvert I would much rather chill at home. I know this doesn’t help when it comes to making friends. That being said, it would be nice to have people to go out with since most of the people I am friends with no longer live in my area. I’m just tired of doing things alone and honestly it would be great to have more people to talk to.

I mean it must be possible because everyone I know has a group of friends. I just can’t help but wonder if there’s something wrong with me.

Why can’t it be as easy as middle school?

Work. Eat. Sleep. Repeat. 

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Sometimes I feel like I’m doing nothing in my life. Sure, my new job makes me feel great… but at the same time I get bored of this cycle. I hate the feeling like I wake up everyday to work. I wish I could be out exploring the world, learning new things. Alas, I have to make money.

Being fairly young it’s daunting to think that in 10 years I’ll be in the same cycle, maybe add a husband and kids. As a child I thought adulthood meant doing whatever you wanted: staying up late, hanging out with friends, watching movies, and going shopping. I knew work existed, but I hadn’t quite grasped the idea that you work everyday!

It would be great if didn’t have to work so much and instead could spend time doing things we enjoyed. I know realistically speaking that it wouldn’t be possible because nothing would happen. We would have no doctors, teachers, and cashiers. Everyone would be out indulging in their hobbies.

I’m not saying I never want to work, I just wish there was more of a balance.

Does anyone else feel like they want to escape this endless cycle?

 

200 Followers!!

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Yay! I’ve reached 200 followers and I’m so thankful for everyone that reads what I post! I didn’t think my blogging would turn into anything, I was nervous to even begin. Now I can tell you, it’s a great feeling to be “heard”.

I’ve interacted with so many great people through WordPress. It’s such a joy for me to follow and read other blogs.

This is a short post but I wanted to say thank you to everyone who reads, comments, likes, and follows my posts! So, with that I say thank you (again) for all your support 🙂

 

It’s Hard to See Light When You’re Surrounded by Darkness 

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I  don’t usually post this type of thing but I feel like this might be cathartic. The last several days have felt long, tiring, and painful. I would wake up and count down the hours till I could get back to bed. The anxiety and sadness comes in waves, sometimes I’m alright and other times it feels like I’m drowning. I’m just trying to keep my head above the water.

I get tired of hearing people say to work on strategies to overcome these feelings. Of course I should be doing that, but I’m too freaking exhausted. It just feels like there’s a weight lying on my chest. Weights on my shoulders that sink me down into the ground.

I know there’s light at the end of this tunnel I am in. It’s just pushing myself to get to the that light, that isn’t easy. I want to see all the positives in my life but it feels like I have this gloomy shadow following me around.

Hopefully I get out of this funk and if any of my readers are in this too, I hope you feel better!

“You Would Look So Much Better If You Worked Out”

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I have been told this a few times by people. I’m not an idiot, I know I would look much better if I worked out. I would no longer have a pudgy stomach or scrawny chicken legs. I would probably actually be able to walk up a flight of stairs without needing to catch my breath. But why do you need to tell me this? In fact, you should be telling me that I should work out to be healthier, not to look better! Way to totally kill my self esteem, thanks!

I absolutely hate exercising. I would much rather sit on the couch and read a book. The thought of going to a gym crowded with people who are full of motivation just isn’t appealing to me. Now, I’m lucky that I’m naturally good at sports. I used to love playing soccer and honestly I was pretty good at it. The thing is, I’m just plain lazy. I don’t even think I’ve ever met someone as lazy as I am.

So as I’m being told to work out (so I can improve my looks), I just want to explode. There’s a million and one things I could do to improve my looks. Don’t assume that working out has never crossed my mind. Sure, it would be great to have the body of the girls on Sports Illustrated’s covers! That being said, I don’t want my main goal to be focused around looking pretty. I will work out when I want to work out, I don’t need someone telling me!